Microsoft wins 2024 Presidential Election

Dissociated Press--January 21, 2024--Last night Microsoft Inc. made history by being the first corporation to win the United States presidency. Microsoft, running on the Democratic Party ticket, is widely credited with running an inspiring outsider campaign against Republican candidate General Electric. As a 132 year old corporation, founded in 1892, GE would have been the oldest president ever elected, and this age made it easy for Microsoft to portray it as antiquated and out-of-touch with the American people. GE was also criticized for improper vetting of its vice-presidential selection, former President George W. Bush's head in a jar. Bush's head seemed unprepared for the rigors of campaigning and struggled answering simple questions in interviews. His struggles culminated in a disastrous debate performance against Microsoft's vice-presidential nominee Starbucks Coffee.

When asked for comment on the historic nature of its victory, Microsoft's public relations office issued a press release decrying the corruption of public officials in Washington who claim to represent the people only to do the bidding of their big corporate donors. "We aren't like those business-as-usual, corrupt politicians; we'll do the corporations' bidding directly. The era of big businesses controlling politicians in Washington is at an end. Let the era of big businesses being politicians in Washington begin."

Inspired by this.

Update (2/12/10): Apparently I borrowed this idea from a Colbert Report from last September. D'oh!