Saturday, February 5, 2011

Ronald Reagan at 100

In honor of Ronald Wilson Reagan's one hundredth birthday, I wanted to write of my recollections of this great man, the ultimate hero of the twentieth century.

As a youth growing up in Illinois, Reagan saved dozens of lives as a lifeguard before spending a summer on a raft on the Mississippi with his friend Jim. Jim was an escaped slave, and, because of his great respect for property rights, young Ron traveled all the way back to Mississippi to return him. Once, on a lark, Reagan cut down an entire forest of cherry trees. When the farmer who owned the trees objected, Reagan quipped, "Don't you know? Trees cause pollution."

After high school, Reagan went to Hollywood to make movies. He starred in cowboy adventure movies including "Bedtime for Bonzo," in which, with the help of a chimp, Ron defeated the chimp-overlords of an invasion of "damn, dirty apes" intent on stealing our guns. He took time out from his movie career to volunteer to make movies encouraging others to enlist and then to lead the invasion of Germany, liberating several concentration camps and single-handedly stopping Hitler's attempt at world-domination.

After that, Reagan spent several years making speeches and reading radio scripts for General Electric on politics. He learned his great communication skills fulminating against the dangers of government: the government takeover of healthcare, medicare, the communization of America and the fluoridation of its water supply.

Reagan parlayed his fame as an actor and union-busting president of the Screen Actors Guild into the governorship of California. Reagan did his part in the war in Vietnam by having the national guard shoot communist protestors infiltrating America's universities. After his success as the governor of California, lowering tax after tax and never raising any taxes, no matter what any Commie-history book says, he was elected the Greatest President in American History.

Reagan announced that government wasn't the solution but the problem. Then he took over the government and solved that problem.

Reagan's legend was so great that the Ayatollah Khomeini released the American hostages as soon as he took office out of fear that Reagan would personally go to Iran and beat him to death with his own beard. In no way was the timing of their release suspicious. They were just afraid of Reagan.

As President Reagan reduced the tax rate to 0% while increasing government revenue to record levels. And in no way did he "enhance government revenue" or raise the social security tax or anything like that. In fact, he cut government spending to $0 and still managed to spend the Evil Empire of communist Russia into oblivion, probably by private donations or something. When Reagan took office, he couldn't believe that we didn't have a magical shield to defend us from Russian missiles, so he ordered that one be built and by the power of his will, he overcame all the technological barriers to it. Finally, he defeated the Soviet Union and ordered Mikey Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin wall, and he did.

Democratic politicians continuously tried to destroy his presidency by persistent and biased investigations. But they never found any scandals. All they ever found was that a great American hero named Ollie North moved some missiles and money around in order to support freedom fighters in Nicaragua and Iran. All he was really doing was supporting their second amendment rights. But Reagan didn't know anything about that, and would not have supported it if he had known even though he praised North as a hero.

Ronald Reagan is remembered today as a great American hero, the man with Teflon hair, sometimes known as Old Hickory, for his wooden teeth, who led the Americans at the Alamo when America took Texas back from the Mexicans. And when America is in his hour of greatest need, Reagan will return to lead us into the promised land, to the shining city on the hill to a time when it is always morning in America.

Also this.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for setting the record straight on this great American.

    In the penultimate paragraph, though, you have wrongly used "continuously" in place of "continually."