Thursday, January 14, 2010

Defenses of the Alleged Underwear Bomber

Conservatives (or "conservatives") are critical (do I need a link?) of the government's efforts to try the alleged underwear bomber in civilian court. I always wonder what clever defense is supposed to work in these cases that wouldn’t also work in a military tribunal, or what evidence exactly they expect to get in a military court that they need to get the conviction. Or why they think, just in general, that the alleged bomber can somehow get off in court so we need to put him away without trial in a dark hole somewhere. (And isn't that a disturbing metaphor given the context?)

So what defense do these people think that the alleged underwear bomber can offer? (I started posting this as a comment on another site and decided to expand it here.)

"No, I have no idea whose underwear that is; I’ve never seen that underwear before in my life. That underwear was out of my sight for most of my preparation to board the flight and anyone could have put that underwear on me without my knowledge."

"I was not in fact attempting to ignite explosives. I merely had severe jock itch, and I believed those ingredients could treat it. I was not trying to ignite them either; I was merely engaged in a prolonged scratch."

"Normally I go commando, but I'd heard about these scanning machines and I wanted a little privacy 'down there' if you know what I mean. I had no idea that the underwear I purchased was in any way unusual, nor did I notice that the package had been tampered with."

"When I yelled 'Death the America!' I was just showing my poor English. I intended to ask where the bathroom was but used the wrong phrase. Obviously, I'll never use Al-Qaeda's English In One Easy Lesson tapes again."

"I was following the orders of my overlords: KISS, who say, 'You gotta lose your mind in Detroit, Rock City'. And, indeed, I had to laugh 'cause I knew I was gonna die. I wanted to go to an asylum because I'm flaming youth, a destroyer, who is king of the nighttime world, hot, hot, hotter than hell on a trip to heaven (that's on fire). KISS practically forced me to set my testicles on fire."

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