Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Othniel C. Marsh is Satan

Warning, people, warning!

I have found the Antichrist.

At first, I thought that George Walker Bush was the Antichrist.

First of all, I thought, Bush’s middle name is "Walker." What kind of middle name is that? It’s not even a name; it’s a description. And I also remembered the book of Job and what Satan is doing in it when God questions him; he’s walking up and down in the Earth and to and fro in it. That’s good reason to be suspicious if anything is. And anyway, Satan probably likes to kick back and drink a brew after a long day of walking up and down in the Earth and causing evil in it. And the name of a crappy American beer of the sort a cheap-ass Satan might drink? Busch. That’s practically an open-and-shut case.

But then I realized, there was no genuine Biblical support, no hints or clues from the Bible that would provide important incontrovertible proof to warn us of the impending apocalypse. And there I discovered the awful truth: Satan is not George W. Bush, or even George H.W. Bush, but noted 19th century paleontologist Othniel Marsh.

How did I come to this stunning conclusion? In the simplest way possible: a careful reading of the Bible. Specifically, focusing on the book of Job, where Satan reveals his evil character most clearly, I discovered a phrase that Satan uses to describe his own actions, "Going to and fro in the world and walking up and down in it." And I thought, "What would this sound like if a dyslexic German dwarf read it aloud through a flugelhorn?" And "Could I use this as a feeble rationalization for my pre-existing hatred for Othniel Marsh and all he stood for?"

So, how did I come to my proof? First, you have to translate the Hebrew into German. And who wouldn’t be interested in what a German might have to say about the Antichrist? After all, Germans, especially dwarves, who are known to be evil, would know a lot about evil.

The Luther version of the Bible takes that phrase this way:

"Ich habe das Land umher durchzogen."

My German is rusty, but I think this means “I moved all around through the land.”

But this is not the way the Greek and English read. You have to pay attention to what’s not there even more than to what is there. This translation leaves out going to and fro and up and down in the world. "All around." Ha! I could go all around the world if I just took a round-the-world cruise. Do you think Satan was going for a cruise? I think not. I would say the Germans are trying to pull the wool over our eyes. What was in that literal translation that was so dangerous that the Germans did not want us to know about it?

Well, "up" might be "oben". And "unten" for "down." That leaves "to and fro." "To" is "zu", and there is no direct translation of "fro," but colloquially Germans might say, "here and there" or "hin und her." Since we are interested in the most ancient and illuminated German sages, we cannot use colloquial German, however, so we must make up our own word. That word must be "fru" to rhyme with "zu."

What about "walking"? Well, that could be "gehen", to go, or "marschen", to march. I think it’s obvious what an evil being would do--especially one described in German, he/she would march.

So, ignoring all relevant grammar, we have “oben und unten, zu und fru marschen.”
It’s clear that this would sound hilarious if a dyslexic, German dwarf spoke it through a flugelhorn, so why on Earth would the dastardly Germans have rewritten the passage into their own colloquial language? There can be only one explanation. . . they were deliberately hiding the Satanic origin of Othniel C. Marsh.

Imagine this phrase, "Ich oben und unten, zu und fru marsche," being read through a flugelhorn by the aforementioned dyslexic, German dwarf. It is a well-known fact that the flugelhorn softens consonants and slurs together phrases. It would be, I submit, virtually impossible for said dwarf to enunciate the separate syllables clearly, and "oben und unten" would, with the "b" softened to a "th", sound much like Othnien. "Zu" would undoubtedly sound like "C." and "Marsche" obviously would sound like "Marsh." We can safely ignore the mysterious "fru" syllable (a hint, perhaps, of Marsh's evil plans?). And we can change the "n" in "Othnien" to "l" because of the well-known fact that one can always flip or change one letter in any coded message. And, anyway, the dwarf is dyslexic; he or she would probably have read it as an "l" instead of an "n" anyway. Thus, at God’s challenge, the phrase Satan would have uttered when spoken through a flugelhorn by a dyslexic, German dwarf would have sounded something like "I, Othniel C. Marsh." This is unambiguous, irrefutable, incontrovertible proof that Othniel C. Marsh was, in fact, Satan.

This means that I must now invent a time-machine in order to go back into the past in order to stop his plan world domination and apocalypse through dinosaur nomenclature. The fact that the world still exists gives me hope that I will succeed in having foiled his evil plot.

Note that this post was prompted by recent "proofs", such as the one discussed here, purporting to show that Barack Obama is the Antichrist. I laugh at these pathetic attempts by Satan's minions to throw me off the track of the true evil.

1 comment:

  1. You forgot to add that your words, "This is unambiguous, irrefutable, incontrovertible proof that Othniel C. Marsh was, in fact, Satan," were not meant to declare that Othniel C. Marsh was Satan. Rather, you were merely noting an obvious and striking coincidence between his name and a verse from the book of Job as spoken through a flugelhorn.